Comments on: Could you leave feedback on 7th grade paper?

By: Steve R

Steve R — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:43:37 +0000

Please check your stats. Smoking is not the leading cause of home fires, candles and home heaters are.

By: qtpie9374

qtpie9374 — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 14:46:58 +0000

I am in the 9th grade, it is very good ,but what u would want to do is stop beginning ur sentences with smoking. For example in your essay it says: “Smoking is dangerous for everyone.Smoking kills 45 people every hour.”
You should have said ” Smoking is dangerous for everyone, as a result this addictive behavior kills 45 people every hour. You have to make it sound more mature. But other than your essay is very convincing.

By: Puzzler

Puzzler — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:39:35 +0000

Not bad for a first try. What you have done is list a host of facts without really giving any ‘life’ to your paper.
Try something like this for example:
Smoking kills almost five million people each year. Each one of us probably knows someone who has died from smoking or being around others who smoke. Let us look more closely at some of the effects of the most wide-spread addiction in our society today.
See? Adding a little ‘oomph’ between each fact perks up the listener’s ears and gets them ready to ‘digest’ what you plan to say next.
Good luck. Hope you get an A+!!!

By: hackerout

hackerout — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:32:59 +0000

A spell-check and from a writers point of view, I would mix up the sentence openers a tad.
ie. The overuse of “Smoking” an opener, even thought it is the subject at hand.

By: Happy Mama

Happy Mama — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:28:28 +0000

I liked it, very informative and objective, gives facts. i think it’s good